I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
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