we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
