he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
