Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Randomize
