Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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