i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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