you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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