just survived the first fart of the relationship.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
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