I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
