Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
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