Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Randomize
