I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
