i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
just do it
fine only cuz shes asian
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Randomize
