Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
