Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Randomize
