I'm really into asian looking animals
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
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