New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
