Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
And then he peed in my hair
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