My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Please dont use Danity Kane lyrics to describe your emotions.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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