What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
