I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize