I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
i just google imaged poop.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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