my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
