You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
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