i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
