apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
