I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
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