I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
