I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
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