I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
How external is "for external use only"?
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize