I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Randomize
