Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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