P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Randomize