if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Randomize
