you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Randomize
