Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
