and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Randomize
