i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
