Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Randomize
