I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Randomize
