I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Randomize
