You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
