i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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