Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
