i think my tv is drunk
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
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