she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
