ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Did I show you my penis last night?
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
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