he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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