I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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