I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Randomize
