I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Randomize
