How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
