naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize