You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
