Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Randomize
