This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
