see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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