I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
