did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
