Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
