The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Randomize
