so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
