Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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