I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Randomize
