Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Randomize
