i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
week 6 of class: i have yet to go to spanish sober. i love being THAT girl.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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