can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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