foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
