I've blown a few things in my day
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
3pm strippers are depressing
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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